


Unrequited

by dmumts



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship/Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:44:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dmumts/pseuds/dmumts
Summary: The winter became much harsher when you saw that man you could never have slowly slip away from you.





	1. Chapter 1

You pressed your face against the glass window, feeling your heart drop, your stomach curl, and your every breath leaving your body. His fingers were intertwined with hers as their lips practically melted into each other, all the while the last piece of your heart drifted away into the crisp winter air.

He was gone. Baekhyun, the man you had been chasing since you were kids, had fully slipped away from your grasp.

Sure, you’d seen him with other girls before, and it stung each and every time. This, however, felt like he poured acid all over your body, chipping away at every bit of flesh that inhabited your body. This was much different than every other time he thought he was head over heels for another girl.

This time, he actually _was_ head over heels for pretty brunette whose eyes he stared intently into after pulling away from her lips. His heart truly did belong to the girl whose face bared a rosy pink, which you assumed was either due to the cold wind, or the kiss she shared with the love of your life.

Your heart belonged to him, or at least the memory of it did. You weren’t even sure if it truly remained in your chest. Usually, you’d feel your heart practically bursting out of your ribcage when he found someone new. This time, you felt nothing but a boulder in your throat and your body shaking uncontrollably as you slowly stepped away from the window, retreating to your room as you tried your hardest not to fall.

You hoped it was a bad dream, and that you’d wake up in the morning and it would be just you and the boys in the kitchen, chattering about what nonsense they got themselves into, trying hard to crack your faux cold demeanor and succeeding, but knowing that Baekhyun could do it with just a passing glance.

But when you woke up, it turned out to be a harsh reality. You walked downstairs to see just the two of them, her sitting on his lap as his hand rested firmly on her hips. They seemed so comfortable around each other as if they hadn’t just started dating the night before. Maybe it was a sign that they were truly perfect for each other, but the very thought of it made you want to break down in tears.

They were so entangled that they didn’t notice your presence. You took the opportunity to make your way back to your room, waiting until you heard other voices so you could get something to eat.

It was one thing to be around them when you had the rest of them to distract you. It was another thing to see them together, constantly touching each other, singing compliments into each other’s ears, but having no one to take your attention away. No one to make you take your eyes off of them. No one to force you to stop pretending that you were in her place. No one to help you forget that your heart was being torn apart bit by bit, at least for a second.

In retrospect, you should have seen it coming. The way he instantly forgot your existence the moment she stepped into the room. The way he constantly talked about her whenever she went back to her room. How he’d find reasons to touch her, no matter how ridiculous. It was like you were a piece dangling next to his heart, but she was the one that completed it.

You knew he cared for you, but you weren’t for him. You never were girlfriend material, much less soulmate material for him, and it pained you to admit that to yourself.

He was fire, and she was gasoline; only making him burn brighter. You were nothing but a separate, dull flame. You added nothing to him. In the grand scheme of things, you were insignificant. You knew if he had to choose between you and her, you’d easily be left in the dust.

And why wouldn’t he? There was nothing wrong with you, but she was clearly what he preferred. Her colorful getup was a contrast to your dark ensemble. What you thought made you look attractive now made you feel less than stellar. And it wasn’t even her fault. It wasn’t his fault either. Neither of them had any idea how much you loved Baekhyun.

You heard a knock on your door, and you assumed it was one of the boys telling you that breakfast was ready. You got up to open it, but kept your head down. Whoever it was, you didn’t want them to see your red-rimmed eyes or your tear streaked face.

“What’s wrong?”

 _Of course_ it was him. You rubbed your eyes before looking up at him, then plastered a false smile on your face. “Nothing. Why would something be wrong?”

One thing he always told you was that you were an awful liar, but you hoped that he wouldn’t see right through you this one time. You didn’t want to tell him the truth; you couldn’t. His feelings clearly weren’t reciprocated, so it would do nothing more than ruin your friendship, and that would crush you even more than him dating someone else.

He raised an eyebrow then shook his head, brushing past her. He claimed a seat on your bed, tapping the space next to him so you could sit down. It was clear that he knew something was wrong, and knowing how stubborn he was, he wouldn’t let up anytime soon.

He bumped you with his shoulder, not knowing how much electricity it would cause to surge through your body. It almost embarrassed you when you flinched a bit. “Are you cold?” You quickly shook your head in response, though that only earned you another skeptical look. “What were you crying about?”

“I wasn’t,” you lied, keeping your head down. “Okay, I was, but it’s not a big deal. Trust me, Baekhyun.” You smiled at him as best as you could to keep him from questioning you any further. Or, at the very least, delay it for another time.

He sighed and nodded, taking your hand into his. “We’ll discuss it when you’re ready. And by that, I mean when I can’t take you hiding things from me anymore,” he said as he brushed his thumb on the back of your hand, making your body buzz. “I have news for you.” This time he spoke with a smile on his face, and you knew what he was about to say. Suddenly, him rubbing your hand had no effect on you anymore. You began to feel an all too familiar lump form in your throat as the image of the night before and what you walked downstairs to replayed in your head.

“You and Mina,” you mumbled, although you didn’t mean to say it out loud. You looked up at him, only to see a frown form on his beautiful face. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, releasing your hand from his grip, another reminder that the void in your heart remained. “That was the news but… you don’t seem happy,” he sighed.

“I am,” you said quickly. “I just wasn’t really… expecting it,” you lied again, but your voice had a slight quiver as you spoke, giving you away. You noticed his raised eyebrows, so you cleared your throat, giving the impression that you just had a sore throat. “She seems nice, though,” you said with a slight nod.

The smile he had on his face reemerged, but you could tell that it wasn’t genuine. You weren’t sure why, but your guess was that he knew something was up, but he didn’t want to press the issue further in case you were lying about being happy for him.

But the truth is, you _were_ happy for him. You wanted to see him happy, but it hurt you at the same time to see him happy with someone else. You were jealous, but you didn’t want to ruin his happiness for your own selfish purposes. Besides, once the semester started once again, you’d have many excuses to not see the happy couple.

You just had to deal with it for three more weeks, and then everything would be fine again. Maybe not completely, but if you avoided Baekhyun for as long as you could, you figured maybe your feelings would be gone, and you’d fully be happy for him without the burning jealously looming over your head.

“Breakfast is ready,” Kyungsoo said, his head peering into the room. He looked at you intently, then to Baekhyun before sighing and shaking his head, leaving to go downstairs.

You and Baekhyun looked at each other then shrugged, leaving the room without saying a word.

Apparently, the rest of the boys went grocery shopping, which is why they weren’t crowding the kitchen like they usually did every morning. You wished you got a heads up, but they said that they didn’t want to disturb you. It was a sweet gesture, but you were still upset that you had to walk in on the perfect couple.

Usually, you’d sit next to Baekhyun, who’d always sit next to Mina without fail. But this time, you sat between Jongin and Sehun. You couldn’t deal with sitting so close to him and hearing them compliment each other. You were already wearing thin, and that would simply push you over the edge.

“Why are you pushing your food around? Is it not good?” Kyungsoo asked, drawing attention to you.

You sank down into your chair and sighed. “It’s good, but I’m just not very hungry,” you explained. Why would you want to eat when Baekhyun was occasionally placing kisses on her cheek? The very thought of it made you want to regurgitate what little food you had already consumed.

“I’ll eat it,” Junmyeon said excitedly, not giving you a chance to stop him, though you wouldn’t have stopped him regardless. “Kyungsoo’s pancakes taste the best,” he spoke with his mouth full, earning a small smile from you.

“Pig,” Jongin mumbled, though it was hypocritical since his own mouth was full. That caused your smile to grow a little more, but it was quickly wiped away when you caught a glimpse of Baekhyun kissing her cheek again.

You wondered why none of the boys were questioning it, like it was something they had already grown accustomed to. You knew they saw it coming just like you did, but it was strange that they didn’t acknowledge it at all. No dramatic congratulatory speech from Chanyeol, no slick comments from Sehun; nothing at all.

You rose from your seat and waved to them, going into the leaving room to escape them. Being around other people did help to some extent, but it was more like looking through a foggy glass. You still noticed it, but not as much as you would have had you been by yourself.

But, maybe being completely alone wasn’t the smartest idea either. It wasn’t relaxing or calming; in fact, it was the complete opposite. It only left you alone with your thoughts, and in times of distress, it proved to be detrimental.

The whole thing came quicker than you expected. Sure, he’d been talking about her constantly, but he never outright said that he liked her. You assumed that it would lead to nothing, that he’d be too scared to tell her just like you were scared to tell him. Though, the was mostly likely wishful thinking. Baekhyun was never really the type to be scared to admit his feelings towards anyone, whether positive or negative.

“What’s wrong?” You looked to the door frame and saw Kyungsoo standing there, his face baring no emotion.

The thing with Kyungsoo was that he was all smiles when he needed to be, but dead serious when the situation called for it. You usually never got the brunt of it, but when you did, you hated it. Like Baekhyun, he cared about you a lot, and looked out for your happiness. When it seems like something was the matter, you’d usually get him or Baekhyun with a metaphorical crowbar ready to pry your mind.

You shook your head, but that wasn’t enough to convince him. It never was. “Don’t lie to me,” he mumbled as he sat on the couch next to you. “Talk to me. It might help a little.”

You painted on a smile before speaking, trying to at least delay the conversation just like you did Baekhyun. “Why do you guys keep asking if something’s wrong? Do I look _that_ bad?” you asked.

He didn’t respond with words, but with a roll of his eyes and a sigh. That indicated that no matter how lighthearted you tried to make the situation, he wouldn’t be swayed. There was no escaping the situation, and you could feel your heart beating rapidly at the thought of another person knowing the secret you held for years.

You leaned back into the couch, rubbing your eyes until you saw stars. “I’m not ready to talk about it,” you sighed. “That goes for you and Baekhyun. I don’t know how to say it yet, and I don’t think it would be smart to rush it.”

He nodded, but kept his stone like exterior. “None of us like seeing you like this, you know. We’re worried about your well-being. You haven’t been acting normal since we got here, and this was supposed to be a fun getaway for all of us to reconnect and bond after the stressful school year.”

You nodded. You knew it was true, but you couldn’t help it. You know things would be different from the minute Sehun brought Mina with him to stay at the cabin for a while, seeing how Baekhyun’s eyes were glued to her as she strutted inside, how he quickly offered to take her bags for her, forgetting all about you.

It had only been a week, but she felt herself slowly sinking further and further into a self-destructive path. “I’m sorry,” you apologized. “I’m sure I’ll be fine before we leave. I’m just going through things.” And by going through things, you meant you were struggling to get over someone who wasn’t yours to begin with.

It was your fault for falling for him in the first place. Time and time again, he’d find a new girlfriend, you went through the motions of heartbreak each and every time before eventually thinking you got over him just until they broke up and you thought you had a shot with him. Then the cycle repeated itself.

“If you say so,” he sighed, patting your upper thigh. “Jongin and I are going to set up for the campfire later tonight. Do you want to come? It might help a little bit.”

You nodded without hesitation. As long as Baekhyun and Mina weren’t there, you were more than happy to tag along. Plus, you knew Jongin would keep Kyungsoo distracted, so he’d most likely hold off on questioning you again until you were alone, which didn’t really happen often.

Kyungsoo gave your hand a quick squeeze before leaving to mingle with everyone else. You decided to go back to your room, hoping that everyone else, specifically Baekhyun, would refrain for asking you anymore questions pertaining to your current state.

* * *

 

Alcohol didn’t do much to calm you. All it did was make you even more sad and tipsy, while it made everyone else louder and happier.

Baekhyun wasn’t the slightest bit drunk, and you assumed it was due to him usually making a fool of himself when he consumed a certain amount of alcohol and not wanting to turn Mina off. You loved it, especially since he became extra touchy, but sometimes he did some pretty weird things.

Like the one time he offered to give you a piggy back ride if you told him he was pretty. Even weirder was when he nearly kissed Kyungsoo and Chanyeol in the same night, all because he felt like if he did, they’d give him powers.

You looked over to him, catching him sneaking a quick peck on Mina’s lips. You instantly pried your eyes away from them and drank a bit more, feeling a buzzing sensation all throughout your body as the liquid went down your throat.

Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to join them. You couldn’t really keep it together without the help of alcohol, and even then, it really didn’t help too much. It helped to stop you from bursting into tears, but you still felt the darkness lingering over your head, waiting patiently for the alcohol to leave your system so it could burst.

You were so entranced in your own thoughts that you didn’t realize that they were playing never have I ever. Usually, you’d attempt to stop it, since it always ended in you having to admit something and them never letting it go, but they were already too deep in.

“Never have I ever sat on a gross public toilet,” Junmyeon said, taking a swig of his immediately after speaking.

You saw Minseok and Sehun drink along with him, which surprised you. Though, you really shouldn’t have since you found out some weird tidbits of information about them every day, and you knew them since middle school.

“You haven’t? What do you do when you need to pee in public?” Kyungsoo asked, bumping your shoulder. You didn’t even realize he was sitting so close to you. And he was definitely drunk; sober Kyungsoo would never ask that question out loud.

“I hold it,” you mumbled.

“She’s not drunk enough. Quick, what has she done?” Chanyeol said, earning a laugh from everyone, including you.

“Never have I ever breathed!” Minseok drunkenly yelled, laughing as he downed the last of his beer.

“That’s not fair,” you argued, but you took a sip of your beer anyway. You weren’t taking it too seriously yet, plus you felt like you deserved even a little bit of happiness after the past week.

After the laughter died down a bit, Chanyeol decided to speak again, slurring a bit more than the last time. “N-Never have I ever liked a best friend. Past or present,” He said, sitting down after he finished.

You felt your heart stop the moment the words left his mouth. Baekhyun wasn’t just your current best friend; he was your first best friend, and you were pretty sure he knew that. You couldn’t do it; you couldn’t let everyone know that you harbored feelings towards Baekhyun, especially not him.

You looked around to see who took a drink. Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Sehun. When your eyes reached Baekhyun, you saw him staring at you intently as he took a long swig of his beer, his never leaving yours once he stopped.

Your heart beat only accelerated once you managed to take your eyes off of him. As the others continued their loud chatter over who was lying, your thoughts were consumed by him once again.

You couldn’t let it rekindle your hope. You couldn’t allow it to happen, only for your heart be pounded further into the ground. Baekhyun had a life before you, and you knew for a fact that he did have a crush on a former best friend for a while.

Even after you thought rationally, you couldn’t find your breath. It was like your entire body was imploding, and you couldn’t escape. You had to go.

You stood up quickly, giving a quick wave to indicate you were leaving, then walked in the darkness towards the cabin.

You had no idea how much longer you could survive with Baekhyun.


	2. Chapter 2

You’d managed to avoid Baekhyun as much as you could for the past four days, but you could tell that your distance began to bother him. He hadn’t outright said it, but you knew him well enough to know it based on the way you’d catch him looking at you as if he was silently asking what was wrong, but you pretended you didn’t notice each time. You felt bad, but you’d feel even worse if you told him the truth and he rejected you.

So you’d never allow him the space to ask you what was wrong. It wasn’t that hard this time around since Mina was there all the time, but you tried your hardest to keep yourself surrounded by people in case she wasn’t around. You even begged Kyungsoo to let you tag along with him whenever he left the cabin, just as an extra precaution.

“This is weird, you know,” Kyungsoo said as he walked down the aisle of the grocery store. “I’m waiting until you’re ready to talk, but seeing you suddenly up for doing everything when just a few days ago you didn’t want to do anything at all doesn’t make me any less impatient.”

You shook your head as you picked up a box of cereal off the shelf. “It’s not a big deal, Soo,” you mumbled. “Clearly whatever was bothering me isn’t bothering me anymore, so you shouldn’t be so hung up on it,” you lied. You actually began to sound a lot more convincing to yourself, but apparently not to Kyungsoo, since he rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath.

When you got back to the cabin, it was almost completely empty. You only saw Baekhyun, but you assumed Mina was there too with the way they were normally attached at the hip.

You look around to talk to Kyungsoo, only to find that he’d mysteriously disappeared. You then looked at Baekhyun, who was staring at you intently. His eyes were red and puffy, indicating that he’d been crying. As much as you wanted to continue trying to keep your distance, you couldn’t just leave your best friend while he was clearly hurt.

You sighed as you sat down next to him, trying your hardest not to make eye contact. Seeing him cry usually made you cry, and that you feared that it would lead to you admit things earlier than you wanted to, which was the last thing you wanted to happen. “What’s wrong, Baek? Why were you crying?”

Without warning, he pulled you into him, resting his head on your shoulder. He wasn’t making any sounds, but you could feel his tears hitting the fabric of your jacket. It completely broke your heart how distraught he was, and you had no idea how he even managed to get to this point.

“What did I do wrong?” he asked between soft sniffles. “I thought it would blow over, but I can’t take it anymore. Please tell me what I did wrong.”

You felt yourself welling up with tears, knowing that you were the cause of his pain. You couldn’t continue hurting him selfishly. As his best friend, you knew that you were supposed to support him, no matter how much the very thought of them together made your heart break.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” you said, soothingly rubbing his back. “I promise; I’m just not doing so well. It’s nothing to do with you,” you explained without telling the full truth.

Baekhyun lifted his head, wiping away his tears as he shook his head. “I don’t believe you. We weren’t like this last year. What happened to us staying up all night when everyone else went to sleep, just talking to each other about everything and nothing at the same time?”

You remembered it so well. It was the only thing you thought about for a long time, and it gave you so much hope; hope that you were actively trying to kill. Besides, you knew Baekhyun didn’t even have the time to do that. You might have been busy with Kyungsoo most of the time, but he was with Mina a lot more. It didn’t leave much room for them to resume their normal friendly activities, unless you played the third wheel.

“We’re both too busy,” you mumbled. “I’m always out with Kyungsoo, and you’re always spending time with Mina. Maybe we’ll find some time eventually, but we don’t have it now,” you explained. Even though you could have made time, you knew it wouldn’t have made a difference. Knowing how he was, Mina took top priority until he fully settled into the relationship, or until it was just you and him.

“I don’t want to drift apart. I don’t want that at all. We’ve been friends for so long, and I can’t imagine going through life without you by my side,” he sighed before taking your hand into his, your heart practically bruising your ribcage from the small action. “Please tell me what’s wrong. I can’t lose my best friend. I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not ready,” you muttered, “Even if I do tell you, you can’t help. So just relax, okay? We’re gonna be fine, Baekhyun,” you assured him, although you didn’t know if  _you_  were going to be fine.

“We should go somewhere today,” he suggested, his frown turning into a small smile. “I don’t know where, but somewhere quiet where we can just talk or relax.”

You smiled and nodded. Maybe you could finally enjoy the vacation without the pain fro him being with someone else constantly being thrown in your face. On the other hand, you figured that maybe being around him by yourself for an extended amount of time would rebuild the little hope you managed to get rid of.

“Baby?” You heard, between the mix of the boys’ chatter.

Baekhyun looked up, the smile on his face growing wider when he spotted Mina.

And just like that, you felt your heart breaking again. You watched as he got up to hug her and kiss her, just like you wished he’d do to you. You tried to be happy; you really did try, but you couldn’t even convince yourself that the smile on your face was real. But no matter how much you wanted to just leave and hole yourself up in the room or just leave the cabin in general, you couldn’t. You couldn’t hurt Baekhyun again. You couldn’t pull away from him again and worry him. But you didn’t know how to deal with him being affectionate towards her in front of you.

Chanyeol sat next to you and began speaking, but all you could hear was a persistent ringing in your ears as you watched Baekhyun attack her face with kisses. It was like reality came back to slap you in the face.

Maybe the best choice was to cancel on spending time with Baekhyun. Maybe it was best to wait for some other time when you were at least mostly over him.

You felt Chanyeol tap your leg twice, causing you to finally take your eyes away from them. You looked at him with tears in your eyes, but not enough to be too noticeable. You tried your best to smile at him and seem genuine, but you knew you fell short. “What’s up?” you asked, your voice quivering slightly.

“Kyungsoo asked if you wanted to go ice skating with him. And he said he’s sorry for leaving and not saying anything,” he repeated, but you could tell that he was trying to figure what was wrong, or that he was suspicious.

Before you could speak, Baekhyun made his way over, sitting between you and Chanyeol and draping his arm around your shoulder. Your heart began to race as usual. “We had plans to go somewhere. Tell Kyungsoo he’s hogged my best friend long enough,” he said, a smile on his face as he spoke.

“But… I thought we had plans,” Mina spoke up.

Baekhyun looked up at her, then at you, sighing as he squeezed your arm. “I’m sorry, we’ll have to reschedule. I just haven’t spent any quality time with her in a while. You understand, right?”

She looked down and nodded, taking a deep breath. “Well, I guess I’m just going to hang out with Sehun,” she said before going upstairs.

Chanyeol looked at you, then Baekhyun, raising an eyebrow before excusing himself from the couch, leaving you alone with him.

You figured that he’d remove himself from you once everyone else left and chase after Mina, but his hand stayed wrapped around you, leaving you breathless and nervous. Neither of you were saying anything, but you could see him looking at you and smiling out of the corner of your eye. You felt a blush creeping up, so you quickly buried your face in the arm of the chair.

“What are you doing?” he said between laughs as he pulled you up. “Now your face is red,” he giggled, brushing some hair out of your face.

You had no idea how it was possible, but your heart began beating harder and faster, and you were pretty sure you were trembling. He raised an eyebrow, but shook his head and began rocking back and forth and humming a song. You’d always loved his singing. Last year, whenever you told him you had trouble sleeping, he’d take it upon himself to sing you to sleep, which he’d done successfully every single time. His voice was angelic and soothing, and you’d always encouraged him to sing.

And then you’d wake up the next morning, feeling a bit of emptiness when he wasn’t in your bed anymore. Sometimes you even fought sleep just so he could stay a little bit longer.

But that was a year ago. Things couldn’t be like that anymore, no matter how badly you wanted it to. Baekhyun’s main focus was on Mina.

And all you could think about was him singing her to sleep. How lucky she was to hear is smooth, angelic voice on sleepless nights just like he used to. How happy she must’ve been to fall asleep wrapped in his arms, and then to wake up with him there. Seeing his messy hair, being able to run her hands through them, and hearing his rough morning voice.

All the things you wished you could have. All the things you’d dreamt about for years.

You were definitely appreciative of the little things he did like random hugs, or him playing in your hair, and the way he held you for no reason, but you wanted more. You wanted to be the receiver of his random kisses, and you wanted to be able to do the same to him. You wanted to profess your love for him at random times, to snuggle up to him as he fell asleep, to watch him open his eyes in the morning. And it killed you there was a small chance of that ever happening.

“Can I ask you a question?” You nodded, but you were somewhat worried, since he asked before outright coming out and asking what he wanted to know. “Do you like Kyungsoo?”

You nearly choked when he said it. You knew where the thought could have come from, but the fact that you knew that you loved Baekhyun for years with everything you had, the very idea of you liking Kyungsoo as anything more than a friend was ridiculous. “Kyungsoo is a good person and a good friend, but that’s pretty much all I feel for him.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. His tone was unusually serious, and it confused and somewhat scared you. You had no idea why the topic was so important to him, but you shook your head. “You know you don’t have to hide anything from me, right? No matter what it is, even if you don’t think I’ll like it, please be honest with me.”

You had nothing to hide when it came to your friendship with Kyungsoo. You hung out with him just like you would with the other boys, but you just happened to fall into a routine of going all over the place with him. When it came to how you felt for Baekhyun, however, you weren’t going to disclose that. No matter how much he pleaded, you knew it wouldn’t do either of you any good. “There’s nothing to hide,” you lied, but you weren’t convincing enough.

“Alright… If you say so,” he mumbled before getting up, your body feeling cold once he stopped touching you. “I’ll text you when we’re going. I just need to sort some things out.”

* * *

 

The quiet, private place that Baekhyun had in mind was his apartment. You didn’t mind; you’d been there enough times to feel somewhat comfortable. There was still some nervousness that you couldn’t break out of since you were alone with him, but you expected it.

You sat on the couch, watching a cheesy romantic movie. Normally you’d hate it; it always reminded you that you’d never have the grand romance that you always wanted. But you were fully indulged in it this time. You felt every heartbreak, every pain, and every joy that the characters felt. You were still sort of bitter that you’d never get the chance to experience such romance, but you were glad that you allowed yourself to enjoy it.

By the time the movie was over, you were a sobbing mess. It had a happy ending, but everything felt so close yet so far. You had your love interest, you knew him for years, but the relationship only went as far as friendship.

“I didn’t expect you to enjoy it this much,” he laughed as the credits rolled on in the background.

For once, your focus wasn’t mostly on him, but you knew that he didn’t really show any emotion during the movie, which was out of character to say the least. Then again, the fact that you actually enjoyed a romantic movie to such an extent that you cried meant that you had no place to speak on that. “It felt real,” you mumbled.

“Poor baby,” he teased, pulling you in for a hug. You felt your face heating up as you breathed in his heavenly scent. Despite how much heartbreak you’d endured that was indirectly caused by him, you always associated him and his scent with happiness. You never built up the courage to steal any of his clothes, but his scent used to linger around your apartment for days after he left, and it always reminded you of all the good memories you had with him.

It embarrassed you how many little details you remembered about him and how little he had to work to get your heart to skip a beat. You felt that it made you obsessive or weird, but you couldn’t help it. He really was the light of your life.

He pulled away from the hug and checked the time on his phone, cursing under his breath as he scrolled through his notifications. “It’s almost one in the morning, and Mina’s worried,” he sighed, shoving his phone back in his pocket.

Even though you spent the whole time wallowing in the fact that you could never have him, you didn’t really think of Mina. You tried not to, because all you could remember was the night you saw them kissing, and you’d rather not think about it. Unfortunately, hearing her name was enough to trigger the thought again.

You thought you’d mastered holding in your tears, but it felt harder to do so this time around. Maybe reality was just too much. You didn’t know, but you couldn’t let him see you cry for seemingly no reason. You took a deep breath and quickly collected your things, trying to distract yourself with anything you could.

“I planned for you to spend the night, but maybe some other time.” he said with more of a questioning tone in the air.

You couldn’t do it again. You couldn’t feel so safe around him, only for the cold truth to come back and remind you that he was strictly off limits. It couldn’t happen again, but you also didn’t want to pull away from him again. You sighed, shaking your head. “I don’t think it’s right for us to be alone. It might make Mina uncomfortable,” you explained, standing up and going over to the door.

“It won’t,” he said quickly, jogging over to you. “I promise it won’t make her uncomfortable. She understands that you’re my best friend. Please don’t do this; I can’t lose you,” he pleaded, taking your hands into his and looking directly in your eyes. “Nothing has to change between us, and you know it.”

You shook your head, pulling your hands away from him, but making sure to put on a smile so he’d be at least a little less worried. “We can still be friends, Baek, but we can’t hang out as much as you used to. I need to move—” you nearly outed yourself, but you caught it before you were able to finish it, thankfully. “Maybe when your relationship isn’t so fresh.”

His face bore a frown, and it pained you to see it. To know that you were the one making unhappy. But you needed to do this; you couldn’t pretend that you could handle it any longer. It only became that much harder when you spent quality time with him. When he’d hold you more frequently, make sweet jokes, kiss your forehead. When it felt like you were finally getting closer to being with him fully, as something more than a best friend.

You felt a tear slide down your cheek as you both stared at each other, then you saw a tear slide down his. He led you over to the couch, pulling you into him as he let his tears fall, and you did the same.

Even though you were both crying, you were pretty sure that you were crying for two completely different reasons. You felt like you were losing your grip on sanity, and that you’d never be good enough for him. You assumed he felt like he was losing you as his best friend, which was only partially true.

Yes, you wanted distance, but only until you could feel a bit more comfortable with him being with someone else. Then you’d be ready and willing to go back to the way things were, minus the attraction of course.

You felt his lips press against your forehead, then your cheek, then right next to your lips. You weren’t sure if it was an accident, but it sent jolts of electricity throughout your body as you both looked into each other’s eyes.

He got another notification, causing him to sigh. “We should get going to the cabin now.” 


	3. Chapter 3

You had no idea what activities the group had planned, but Kyungsoo had forced you to help him cook for the event. You didn’t mind, since you were always with him anyway, but you felt like you were annoying him by being around him all the time.

Ever since the whole thing with Baekhyun, you went back to avoiding everyone, despite the fact that it opened up your mind to think about the situation even more. You were willing to suffer through it so you wouldn’t drag anyone’s mood down, seeing as your ability to properly conceal your emotions became weaker with each passing day.

Every day, you’d have to see them interacting with each other with more affection with practically every hour that passed. When they weren’t holding hands, they were making out when they thought no one was looking. Of course it chipped away at your sanity a bit more each you saw it; you never got time to recover from it. No matter how much time you tried to spend away from them, you’d always have to be around them either due to Kyungsoo’s concern for your well-being, or you just not wanting to worry or give the group the impression that you didn’t like them.

“That’s so weird,” Kyungsoo mumbled to himself as he took a peak out of the window, catching a glimpse of the the perfect couple. “He’s putting his finger in her mouth.” He sighed and shook his head before turning to you, giving you an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

You raised an eyebrow, but decided to brush off his apology. You instead focused on the fact that hearing him mention them was the first time you’d heard anyone within the group mention anything about them directly. Granted, it really wasn’t anything special like you expected, or rather, wanted; it was just a passing comment.

What you wanted someone to say was that you’d suit him. That they believed that you were the one who was meant for him. You knew that chances of that ever happening were small since they were such good friends to him, but you knew it would give you the confidence to admit your feelings towards him. Because even if he rejected you, you’d at least have people there to support you.

“Does Baekhyun seem a lot less talkative lately?” he asked, washing his hands as he looked out of the window. “He didn’t really say much during breakfast, and he left right after Mina finished eating. It’s like he adopted your behavior,” he commented. “What do you think is wrong?”

You didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but you figured it had something to do with the time you spent together. Whatever it was, you weren’t willing to talk to Baekhyun about it. You were too afraid to know what his response was. You thought that maybe there was a chance that he didn’t want to be your friend anymore, and instead of having to hear him say it, you figured you were both better off if you just faded away from each other instead of having a conversation about it.

You shrugged and continued chopping up carrots. You didn’t really want to discuss the issue, or even think about it, so you tried to coax the conversation in a different direction. “Where did Chanyeol go? I don’t hear him in there. He’s usually the loudest,” you asked.

“He went to gets some pants. He said he didn’t pack anything but sweatpants, so he needed to get something semi-formal,” he explained, although it still didn’t really make sense to you. “We’re having dinner together. You’re supposed to dress semi-formal,” he said, answering you unspoken question.

“Okay, first of all, no one told me this. Second of all, I only packed casual clothes, so now I’ll have to go to my apartment,” you sighed dropping the knife on the counter. You didn’t mind that you had to leave; it was just that it was such short notice.

Kyungsoo sensed your irritation and began rubbing your shoulder to calm you down a bit. “I’m sorry for not telling you, but we all knew you wouldn’t want to be apart of it, so we decided we’d wait. I thought you’d have appropriate clothes, so I was on board,“ he explained. You knew they didn’t mean anything bad by it, but it was so sudden. You expected something from the moment you woke up and they were all huddled together, but you didn’t expect to take a sudden trip to your apartment. “We won’t start dinner without you; I promise.”

You sighed and nodded. You didn’t really have much a choice anyway. Plus, you’d feel a lot more self conscious if you were there in baggy pants and a sweater while everyone else, specifically Mina, was dressed elegantly.

You waved to Kyungsoo and grabbed your keys and coat as you made your way out of the door. As you walked to your car, you could hear their laughs melting together like a perfect harmony. You tried not to look at them as you passed, but the thought of them made your stomach churn. You kept a fast pace to be away as far away from them as possible, but you heard footsteps getting closer and closer to you no matter how much you increased your speed.

As soon as your fingers touched the door handle, you felt a hand on your shoulder. You didn’t have to look up to see who it was. You knew his familiar scent all too well, and it was enough to send shockwaves throughout your body. Your eyes met his, and you could immediately tell something was off, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on what it was.

“Where are you going?” he asked, leaning against the car. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for dinner?”

“I don’t have any good clothes here, so I have to go back to my apartment to get ready,” you explained as you look past him, seeing Mina looking at both of you.

You got in the car, sinking in your seat and throwing your head back and letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You moved to start the car, but you stopped when your eyes caught Baekhyun opening the door to the passenger’s side. You didn’t question it out loud, even though you really had a million questions to ask.

As soon as he was settled in, you drove off, though you didn’t say anything to each other for the entire duration of the car ride. Not even a passing comment, which was incredibly out of the ordinary since Baekhyun was talkative and found anything to talk about.

It was one of the many qualities you you’d loved about him. Normally, you were reserved and quiet and therefore you struggled to start conversations and carry them on, even with people you were close with. With Baekhyun, it made things easier, since he always had something to say and kept things interesting. You loved hearing his opinions on random things, and his sometimes lame jokes. You didn’t know if it stemmed from your love for him, but even though everyone had seemed to get tired of his talkative nature, you couldn’t get enough of it.

As you both silently walked up to your apartment, you were immediately greeted with pictures of him. You forgot how many pictures of you and him were scattered across your apartment. Seeing both of you happy and smiling with each other compared to the state you were currently in shattered you completely.

You sighed as you tossed your keys on the couch and removed your coat, making your way to the bedroom while he sat on the couch. He’d been at your apartment a million times before, so you knew he’d know what to do or where to go if he needed anything.

Before you began getting ready, you sat down on your bed, flipping through the photo album you kept on your nightstand. Seeing as you’d been friends with the boys for years, it mostly contained pictures of them. You’d managed to catch the most ridiculous moments on camera over the years, thankfully. Every time you decided to go through the album, It’d always bring a smile to your face.

Like the picture of you and Chanyeol laughing together after drinking some weird drink he thought would taste good. You were basically his guinea pig until he gave up on the idea of being a chef. To be fair, the drink really was awful, but his cooking wasn’t always bad. It was hit or miss, more or less, but whenever he did succeed, you couldn’t get enough of it.

Then another picture of you, Kyungsoo, and Junmyeon. Kyungsoo was kissing Junmyeon’s cheek while he made a ridiculous face. That was the day you had your last exam, so you all went out to celebrate, which included a lot of alcohol. You only had a vague memory of the entire night, since you consumed so much alcohol that you blacked out.

You flipped the page, finding the picture of you sitting on Baekhyun’s lap, laughing really hard as you caressed his face. You had so much hope that day. You thought that you were going to admit your feelings to him that day and that he wouldn’t reject you. You wore your best outfit, tried to be more touchy than usual, and waited until you got the chance to talk to him alone. Unfortunately, he met another girl that same night, and you knew you’d missed your chance. He ended up dating her for seven months.

You didn’t notice you were crying until you saw your tear hit the photo. It felt like the most ridiculous thing to cry over, but you couldn’t help it. You tossed the album to the side and lied down, letting your tears slide down. You knew you should’ve been getting dressed, but your heart felt like it was broken to an unrepairable point.

Even if you never got to be with Baekhyun in the capacity that you wanted, you still wanted to remain friends. Just being around him was enough for you, but you felt like you lost that, and you had no idea how to get it back. You knew he was there physically, but not emotionally. Back then, when you needed privacy while he was there, he’d talk to you from outside and hug you immediately after you were done. That, or you’d hear him walking around the apartment, or playing on your keyboard. This time, your apartment was dead silent, to the point where you can hear the wind whirring.

You heard a few knocks on the bedroom door, so you quickly wiped away your tears and opened it. The minute you opened to door, you saw him lower his gaze as if he was embarrassed about something, as well as a frown plastered across his face. You weren’t too sure if he’d been crying just like you were, but you knew for a fact that something was bothering him.

“Can we talk?” he asked softly, his voice a bit creaky as you watched his eyes gloss over.

You nodded and stepped aside, shutting the door as he sat on the bed. You opted to stay by the door, just because you felt like you’d break down crying if you were close enough to breathe him in.

He took a glance at the photo album then flipped through it, stopping after he got to a picture of you and him. That particular picture was taken around the time you’d just met. You were both smiling at the camera, while he did a peace sign with his other hand draped around your shoulder. At the back of the picture, you remembered he wrote something sweet. You felt like that simple moment was what sent you into the state you were currently in.

_I’ll love your forever, my best friend! -BBH_

You could see him swallow a lump as he brushed his thumb over the picture. Finally, you saw him rub his eyes before looking up at you. “I can’t do this anymore,” he sighed, raking his fingers through his thick hair.

You knew eventually that the conversation would come about. You just didn’t understand why he chose to do under these circumstances. The car ride would just be that much more awkward.

You braced yourself for the words you were so sure he was about to say. That you couldn’t be friends anymore. That their friendship was too strained to continue. That they should both move on in life and focus on other things.

But no matter how much you tried to prepare for those dreaded words, you felt your heart beat against your chest as you thought about it. No amount of preparation would shield you from the blow of Baekhyun ending your friendship.

“I can’t keep pretending that I only love you as a friend.”

You were convinced that the whole thing was a dream. You couldn’t even feel your body. It went completely numb, and the only sign that were even alive was the fact that you heart began pounding even harder. You thought nothing could’ve prepared you for him ending your friendship, but  _nothing_ could’ve prepared you for this.

You felt like you waited forever to hear him say those words, but you expected the atmosphere to be different. Instead of the cheerfulness you expected, all you could see was pain. All you saw in his eyes was hurt. And while you should’ve been ecstatic, you were much more confused about the entire thing.

“Y-You do?” you stuttered, your eyebrows raised as your heart threatened to pop out of your chest.

He nodded, taking a deep breath before he spoke again. “There’s no saving this friendship now, is there? I tried so hard to hold it in, and I thought that my feelings would go away eventually, but they never did. Now that—”

“I love you too, Baekhyun,” you admitted, though you hadn’t realized it until you saw his eyes widen. After all those years of bottling it up, you felt some sort of relief after saying it. Yet, at the same time, you felt an overwhelming amount of fear. Yes, he felt the same way that you did, but you also had to take into account that he was off the market. You didn’t know what would become of your friendship when you considered that.

You couldn’t sit there knowing that you both loved each other, yet having to continue watching his arms being wrapped around someone else and kissing someone else’s cheek. It would crush you even more after knowing this information.

He got off of the bed and made his way over to you. He didn’t say anything; just stood there, staring into your eyes. His eyes were so captivating. It was like he put you into a trance just by looking at you. His sweet aroma also filled your nose, making him that much more hypnotic.

He laid his hand on your cheek, then leaned in, his lips just barely brushing against yours. It wasn’t in an innocently teasing way, but one filled with fiery passion and demanding, as if he was trying to contain himself. You, on the other hand, couldn’t contain yourself any longer as you grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into you. You were a bit too eager, but you’d been waiting too long for this moment to relax.

You hadn’t expected the kiss to feel this way. You didn’t feel butterflies or tingling; what you felt was much greater. It was cliche, but you felt fireworks. You felt dizzy, you felt a surge of energy. But most of all, you felt happy. After all you went through with him, with your emotions, you were both finally in a place where you weren’t afraid to admit it.

Soon enough, you felt his lips travel to your jawline, and for some reason, you that was when you snapped back to reality. That this was wrong. That he had a girlfriend back at the cabin waiting on him.

You pushed him away, walking to your bed and shaking your head. “We can’t do this, Baek. You have Mina; she’s a nice girl, and it wouldn’t be right for us to do this behind her back,” you explained. As much as you really wanted it, you couldn’t do it until he could be completely yours.

“I’ll break up with her when we get back to the cabin,” he assured you, sitting next to you on the bed, but keeping some distance between you. “I’ve waited for this for so long, and I can’t lose you. Please, can I kiss you again?”

God, he was so gorgeous. You watched as his bottom lip jutted out slightly, subtly inviting you. You couldn’t take it; you scooted closer to him and pressed your lips against his, your lips fusing into each other as if they were meant to be there. You felt his hands reaching under your shirt, causing you to shiver from his light touch.

His lips assumed their previous position before you pushed him away, then traveled down to your neck where you felt him sucking your skin. It felt so amazing, and you both hated and loved that you enjoyed it so much.

You fingers tangled into his hair as you threw your head back while your mouth was slightly ajar. You never thought that you’d actually be here with him; your best friend who you wanted for years. You were so happy that it became a reality that you weren’t interested in slowing things down.

You lifted your arms as he raised your shirt over your head. You thought you’d feel insecure being so naked in front of him, but you weren’t, surprisingly. You guessed you were too caught up in to moment to care, but you were happy nonetheless.

He didn’t waste anytime taking off your bra. You could sense that he was just as eager as you were, which only excited and you even more.

He removed his shirt as well, revealing his perfectly sculpted abdomen. You never got to see it often, but when you did, you’d always marvel over how great his body was. It was enough to draw attention to him whenever he was shirtless. Even complete strangers stared at him without shame.

As soon as he tossed his shirt aside, his crashed his lips onto yours as he coaxed you to lie down on the bed. At this point, he was on top of you, his hand massaging your breast while leaving even more marks on your neck.

Small moans escaped your lips as his hand traveled down your stomach, only stopping once he reached the top of your jeans. He gave you a quick peck before smiling at you. “Do you want this?“ he asked.

You didn’t have to think twice about it. You nodded, pulling him down for another peck. “I have to tell Kyungsoo we’re gonna be late first,” you said, your hands still draped around his neck as you smiled at him.

“No, don’t tell him we’re gonna be late. Tell him we can’t make it.”


	4. Chapter 4

Finally, you were able to push his hair out of face, watch as his eyes flutter open, and hear his rough morning voice. You never thought you’d be in this position, but you were overjoyed that you were.

Your heart raced as he smiled and pulled you closer to him, feeling his lips brush on your neck, which was splattered with purple marks. There was definitely no hiding it, but you weren’t sure if you even wanted to.

“Last night was fun, right?” he asked, rubbing his cheek on your shoulder. “I mean, fun for me at least. Was it fun for you?”

With the pleading look in his eyes, you could tell that he was looking for reassurance. You’d never thought he’d be the type to look for approval with how much he beamed with confidence, but you didn’t mind at all. You rustled his hair, then placed a quick peck on his lips. “Of course it was fun, Baek. You’re good at everything you do.”

The smile on his face grew even wider as attacked your face with kisses, just like you wanted him to for years. The entire thing felt like pure bliss.

For as long as you could remember, you had felt something for him. As touchy as he was, you’d always crave more. Something that was saved for just you. Now that you’d finally gotten to that point, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders. You no longer had to pretend that you felt nothing when he touched you, or when he said that he loved you. You were finally free to embrace those feelings instead of rejecting them, and it was the most amazing feeling ever.

He got on top of you, leaving kisses along your forehead, then down to your jawline, then up to your lips. You slung your arms around his neck, sighing as he slipped his tongue in your mouth. You couldn’t stop smiling, even during the kiss, but you could also feel the smile on his face. Eventually, you both started laughing out of nowhere, his head landing on your chest.

“Why are you laughing?” he asked, reaching up to play with your hair. His tone seemed light, and playful as he brushed his thumb against your cheek.

“I never thought I’d have your tongue in my mouth,” you smiled, brushing some hair out of his eyes. The smile on your face instinctively grew when his eyes opened wider. He was so cute; you couldn’t help it.

One of your fears was that if you and him were together, things would change drastically between you. But, to your delight, it wasn’t like that at all. He was still the adorable, charming, and goofy man you fell madly in love with, and you were still comfortable with him, even more so now that he’d seen you unclothed.

He sat up, sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I can’t believe I waited so long tell you that I love you,” he admitted, a small smile forming on his face. “But I also can’t believe you never noticed. I kept trying to drop hints so I wouldn’t have to tell you myself. I almost lost it when I nearly kissed you at my apartment.”

Now that you knew he loved you as well, you noticed his hints that you would have otherwise never noticed. He’d always playful tell people you were dating for one. You’d thought it was just a joke, since it was clear that you weren’t together in any capacity other than friendship, but with the new information, you thought it was a big sign. Then how jealous he seemed when you’d started spending more with Kyungsoo. And of course, at the campfire when he took a sip of his beer, basically admitting that he had feelings for you.

“How long?” you asked suddenly. “Since we’re admitting things, how long have you known you loved me?”

He threw his head back, letting out a laugh as he took your hand into his. “I wouldn’t call it love at first sight, but I’ve always been attracted to you to some extent,” he sighed, rubbing his thumb against the back of your hand. “One day, we were on the phone, and you told me that you wanted to date someone because you were tired of being left out. I told you that we should date each other, but I took it back and said it was a joke. You remember, right?” You nodded, fascinated by the way his eyes seemed to twinkle as he recalled the story.

You were subtly hinting that you liked him when you said that. you could’ve sworn you felt your heart jump out of your chest when he suggested it, and you could barely breathe. Even after he took it back, you couldn’t regain your composure, so much so that you had to end the phone call soon after. The next day, you couldn’t look at him properly for half of the day without blushing. It got to the point where the boys thought you were sick, and Baekhyun took it upon himself to take care of you even though you insisted you weren’t sick.

“After you hung up, I thought about how things would be if we were actually together in depth. Before, it was just passing thoughts, you know? But that whole conversation I guess… it amplified my feelings. I started trying to hold your hand more and basically be more affectionate without making it seem weird. I never really thought that I was in love until you got a boyfriend,” he explained, shaking his head as he laughed. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you to be happy; I just didn’t want to be with anyone else but you, and it hurt to see you with someone else.”

You knew exactly how he felt, except you had to go through it for extended periods of time. You never really kept boyfriends past a month, mostly because you’d always realize that they didn’t make you feel the same way Baekhyun made you feel with a mere glance. You thought it was unhealthy, and maybe it was, but you couldn’t get past it. Sure, most of them made you happy, but they never made you as happy as Baekhyun would. “You dated a lot more than I did,” you mentioned, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m wanted by everyone,” he said, although he failed to keep a straight face. “Fine, fine,” he smiled, looking down at your bare stomach. “I won’t lie; I did have feelings towards everyone I’ve been with. But, every time I start anything, it’s mostly with the intention of trying to get over you,” he elaborated.

It put you at ease a bit to know that he felt the same way you did, and had to go through the same things, but at the same time, you didn’t want to ask about Mina. Although he occupied your bed, and your body bore the marks from your throes of passion, you couldn’t shake the feeling you got the minute you saw her. How Baekhyun looked at her, forgetting you were even there when he laid eyes on her. It scared you to know that there was a chance that his feelings for her were stronger than he let on, so you didn’t want to find out.

He collapsed on the bed next to you, both of you looking up at the ceiling as you lied there in silence. After a while, he placed your hand on his chest, letting you feel his heartbeat. It mimicked the way yours felt when he’d look at you a certain way, or when he’d hold your hand. Hard and fast, like it was fighting to escape his body.

“Whenever I’d sing you to sleep, I’d stay most of the night, and leave before you woke up,” he admitted, his voice soft and soothing. “My heart felt like this whenever I did,” he sighed, then held your hand. “I shouldn’t have waited so long. We could’ve had this a long time ago.”

“We’re here now, and that’s all that matters,” you said, smiling at him. “We’re both idiots who missed all the obvious signs we were sending each other. But, now we can be idiots together, and I’m happy,” you joked, but the sentiment remained true. Even though it took such a long time, you really were happy that it happened at all.

You heard your phone buzz on the nightstand, though you wanted to ignore it. It was too early, plus you really didn’t want your time with Baekhyun to end. You wanted to hold on to him a little bit longer, because you knew that the whole mood would change, seeing as he had to break up Mina. Not only that, but you weren’t sure how you’d explain to the boys that you had sex with him the night before while he was technically in a relationship.

“It’s probably Kyungsoo,” he mumbled, as he bit his thumb. “He’s probably wondering where we are.”

Just to ease his nerves, you checked the message, and it actually was Kyungsoo, though you weren’t too surprised. What did surprise you was that he’d sent you a message around the time you fell asleep. You didn’t hear any notifications.

**Kyungsoo [1:22]:**

_I thought you were joking when you said you couldn’t make it. Care to explain why you and Baekhyun aren’t in the cabin right now?_

**Kyungsoo [7:07]:**

_When you get back, we need to talk._

You sighed, running your fingers through your hair. You hated when he did that. You didn’t know what he wanted to talk about, or whether or not it was urgent, which allowed your mind to wander to places it really shouldn’t be. “We should go back to the cabin,” you said, squeezing his hand a bit. “Kyungsoo wants to have a talk with me, but I don’t know what it’s about.”

“He can wait,” he said a bit too quickly. “I’m not ready to go back. I just want to lie in bed with you and listen to all the things you were too afraid to tell me before. Can’t I bask in the moment?”

As much as you did want to just stay at your apartment with him, you weren’t sure if something was wrong back at the cabin, or if you both would be affected negatively if you didn’t get back soon. You sighed and ran your fingers through his hair slowly, looking straight into his captivating eyes. It pained you that you had to go, but you knew that the future would be filled with moments like these. “You have to go back, anyway. Remember… Mina,” you reminded him.

“You’re right,” he sighed. “You have to wear a scarf, though. I mean, I’m proud of what I did, but I don’t want the boys to know until we all sit down and have a conversation. I want it to be dramatic,” he explained, a smile forming on his face as he thought about the whole thing.

You shook you head and playfully shoved him. He really was your sun.

* * *

 

 “Baekhyun!” Mina ran up to him, wrapping her arms around his body as she swayed back and forth. He quickly looked at you before returning the hug.

You knew you finally had him, so you shouldn’t have felt that familiar pang in your heart, but you did. You nodded towards her, then made your way further into the cabin, which was surprisingly quiet and empty. It was only until you reached to kitchen and looked outside of the window that you saw Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Jongdae sitting outside. You had no idea where the rest of them were, but it was comforting to know that it wouldn’t be you, Baekhyun, and Mina alone.

All you had to do was wait for confirmation that you had him to yourself.

“ _Finally_ , you’re back,” Chanyeol said from behind you, causing you to jump a bit. “Sorry,” he apologized as a stood beside you.

You sighed and waved him off before folding your arms across your chest. “It’s fine; I just thought that you weren’t here,” you explained. “How was dinner?”

“It went well, but it would’ve been better if you and Baekhyun were there,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “Speaking of that, why couldn’t you make it? I know it was snowing a lot, but I didn’t think it would be enough to stop you guys from coming.”

You knew at some point that you’d be asked, but you thought it would be Kyungsoo. Regardless, you didn’t plan on telling anyone until you were sure that Baekhyun and Mina were over, and when he was present.

You couldn’t think of anything on the spot, and you feared that you were silent for too long, which was backed up with the way his eyebrow cocked as he looked at you. Thankfully, the boys came rushing into the house, giving you a bit more time to figure something out.

Without a second thought, you ran up to Kyungsoo, wrapping your arms around him. It wasn’t uncommon for you to hug him, or any of the boys for that matter. But, you never did it as a greeting until they did it first, which is why his delayed response to the hug didn’t surprise you.

“Glad to see that you’re alive,” he joked as he slowly backed away from the hug. “Seems like someone put an affection bug inside of you, but you’re alive, nonetheless.”

You looked behind you to see Chanyeol raising an eyebrow before walking away. You let out a sigh of relief before going to hug Jongin and Jongdae. You really did miss them; the way you used to hang out with them all the time. Now that life had decided to let you be happy, you hoped that things could go back to the way they were, and you’d have Baekhyun by your side the whole time.

“Can I ask why you’re wearing a scarf indoors? Isn’t it hot under there?” Jongin asked, slightly tugging on the fabric.

“No, you can’t, but you’ll probably find out soon,” you said coyly as you held the fabric closer to your neck.

Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow, but shook his head shortly after. He had questions as well, and you knew it. You weren’t going to give him room to ask, but you were still incredibly excited to see the boys’ reaction to news. So much so that you couldn’t contain your smile, which only bewildered the boys even further.

Without another word, you left to go back into the living room, but Baekhyun and Mina were nowhere to be found. You figured he needed more privacy, so you didn’t mind. Though, as the minutes ticked by, you grew increasingly anxious. He said what he said about loving you, and having been in love with you for years, but you saw the way he looked at her. Like the world around them disappeared whenever they locked eyes. It could have been your insecurities coming into play, but you couldn’t help it.

You didn’t notice that Kyungsoo had followed you until you sat down and felt the space next to you sink down a few seconds later. You looked at him, then down at your feet, knowing what was about to come next.

“We’ll talk about it when you’re ready,” he said as he patted your shoulder.

The statement wasn’t what you were expecting, but you were relieved. You knew you’d kept him in the dark for such a long time, and you felt guilty, but you also weren’t willing to do it without Baekhyun.

Dinner time rolled around, and he still hadn’t made any mention of the break up. He had spent most of the day in his room with her, which only gave your worries more footing. All you could think about as you sat outside was that he’d seen her once and forgot about everything. That him loving you was a lie, and he’d only wanted to see how far he’d get with you. And thinking about it made you physically sick, knowing that you had devoted years to him, suffering in silence as his best friend, and then having him hurt you in much more painful way in the end.

With all the happiness you’d felt the night before and in the morning, you’d have never imagined that your emotions would take such a turn. You’d spent most of the day isolated from everyone, but not in an extreme sense. Whenever someone else entered the room you were in, you’d always leave shortly after instead of locking yourself in your room like you’d done before. You knew that they sensed something was wrong, but no one confronted you. And even if they did, you weren’t sure if you’d ever reveal what truly happened or what you truly felt, simply because you knew that you were foolish for falling into his trap. So blinded by love that you allowed him to hurt you.

You heard a sigh come from behind you, and you turned to see Kyungsoo holding keys in his hand, giving you a specific look, but you couldn’t tell exactly how he felt or what was going through his head. Although, you knew from the minute you saw him, that your secret could no longer be kept in.

He took you by the hand and lead you over to his car, saying nothing, nor showing an ounce of emotion. It didn’t bother you though; you trusted him completely, and you were desperate to tell somebody about the pain you’d endured.

He drove, aimlessly you assumed. Neither of you were saying anything, until he took a quick glance at you. “Talk.”

Without hesitation, the tears sprung from your eyes, you felt like you couldn’t breathe, and your heart began pounding like it never had before. It was a true indicator of how much you’d been holding in. “I love him,” you admitted, your words barely audible. But with the way he comfortingly ran his thumb over the back of your hand, you knew he’d heard you clear enough.

You then went into detail about everything. How you’d loved him for years, how you felt when Mina walked into his life, and how he promised to break up with her before you’d sex with him. You even took off your scarf as you spoke, running your fingers over the fresh bruises that reminded you that he was yours for only one night.

“He loves you. We all knew that,” he confirmed, nodding as he kept his eyes locked on the road. “He’s just an idiot,” he sighed.

“What do you think I should do?” you asked, your voice more stable this time around. “I can’t be friends with him anymore, but I still love him. And as stupid as it may sound, I still have hope for us being something more,” you admitted.

He hummed before sighing, looking over at you for a second. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I think you need some space from him,” he said. “And if you do decide to take some space, I assure you that I’ll be there whenever you need me, and so will the rest of the us.”

You nodded, letting out air you didn’t know you were holding. Space really was the best option for you. You knew it would be hard, but this time you were determined to get over him, and close the chapter of your life where you were hopelessly pining for a man that you weren’t sure you’d be able to have a fulfilling relationship.

Maybe you were better off as friends. Maybe you were both right in that aspect. But it was too late now; that damage had been done. The only way you could ever manage to go on with your life was to forget that Byun Baekhyun ever had such an effect on you and your happiness.

 


	5. Chapter 5

You had thought about telling him you were leaving. You wanted to see the look on his face; to see if he’d have any remorse, or if he’d be cold towards you and the situation. You’d already brought your hand up to knock on the door, but it fell to your side when you heard laughter from the room. That was when you decided you didn’t want to know the answer.

You had already said your individual goodbyes to everyone, but you cried a bit each time. You had accepted that you’d have to see the boys even less because of the situation, but that didn’t stop you from being hurt by it; so much so that you had to leave in the middle of the night, just so you wouldn’t see them as you left.

The drive back to your apartment wasn’t any less somber. You couldn’t stop thinking about all the memories that you’d had with him. He was practically ingrained in your apartment, and you had no idea how you’d handle it. Just the thought of having to sleep in the same bed that you had sex with him was enough to make your heart pound.

It only got worse when you stepped in, and you swore you could still see him sitting on your couch, watching a weird game show and laughing himself to tears while tapping the space next to him for you to watch. You sighed, dropping your bags on the floor and curling up on the couch. His scent filled your nose so strongly, which only brought you to tears.

The thing that hurt you the most about the situation was that he didn’t even give you a formal break up, though you really couldn’t even consider it a relationship, since it had never started in the first place. Although, to you, it felt like it was. You’d spent years being so close to him, that even if you weren’t hopelessly in love with him, the end of your friendship wouldn’t have hurt any less.

You closed your eyes, hoping that your dreams would take you away from reality. Soon after, you could see him standing in front of you. He looked sad, like he’d been crying just like you were. You reached out to touch him, and your heart began to race when you felt the warmth of his body as you both stared into each other’s eyes.

It wasn’t a dream. The Baekhyun standing in front of you was real; _your_ Baekhyun.

You sat up, inviting him to sit next to you. You wasted no time burying your head in his chest as he wrapped his arms around you, rubbing circles into your back. You just wanted to stay in his arms forever; feel his arms around you while listening to his steady heartbeat.

But at the risk of losing him again, you had to ask. You couldn’t cope without knowing the answer. You slowly looked up at him, and noticed his eyes were closed while tears rolled down his cheeks. You sighed, placing your head back on his chest.

You decided that you didn’t care about the answer. What mattered was that he was back again, and you didn’t want to do anything to change that.

“I love you,” he said before kissing the top of your head.

A small smile formed on your face, but you also realized that you felt his touch get weaker with every passing second. You held on to him tighter, but it was no use.

“Please don’t go,” you whispered.

And he was gone. You were suddenly lying on the couch alone again. The Baekhyun who held you in his arms never existed. The Baekhyun who tearfully said he loved you was never there.

Just as your eyes opened, you a message came through on your phone. You figured it was one of the boys checking up on you, but your heart dropped when you saw his name.

**Baekhyun [2:31]:**

_I’m so sorry. Please answer, we need to talk._

You’d never thought that you’d had to block him but you did. You couldn’t talk to him anymore. Even if it meant that you couldn’t ever be friends with him again, you really needed the time to heal. You were determined to not feel anything for him, no matter what steps needed to be taken.

You attempted to sleep again, and your dreams were a lot less misleading. He was there, of course, but he wasn’t as realistic as before. You felt him, but he felt different. His scent was also slightly off. But he never disappeared this time, at least until you woke up the next morning.

You were almost expecting wake up to the sound of laughter and the scent of whatever Kyungsoo decided to cook filling your nose. Instead, you woke up in your small, empty apartment. No noise, no breakfast, and no Baekhyun.

You wondered how the atmosphere was without you there. If they were still sad about you leaving, or they had already recovered and resumed life as normal. Most of all, you wondered if Baekhyun was still all over Mina, as if he didn’t know he broke your heart.

You couldn’t bring yourself to do anything. You didn’t even bother to eat, because you felt like you wouldn’t be able to keep anything down. In fact, your eyes hurt so bad from your headache that you didn’t even want to be awake, but you decided to just take same painkillers and face it.

Part of moving on was learning how to live without him. Which meant that you had to learn to adjust without him in your life. That also meant that he wouldn’t be there during times of distress like before. No one to sneak in a quick joke to take your mind off of whatever was bothering you. How could he do that when he was the very reason you were in this state?

You heard your phone buzz, followed by a knock on the door. Your heart stopped; you hoped it was him, but at the same time, you wanted him to leave you alone. You checked your phone, and let out a sigh of relief when you saw Chanyeol’s name on your screen.

**Chanyeol [8:35]:**

_Kyungsoo and I are here. We’re freezing, so open up._

You didn’t bother to make yourself presentable. You were still wearing the clothes you left in, and your hair was a mess. You hadn’t looked in a mirror, but you knew you wouldn’t have liked the sight of your face.

As soon as you opened the door, you saw their sympathetic looks and sighed. Yes, you were hurt, but you didn’t want to be treated any differently. It would only remind you why you were hurt, and you definitely didn’t want to relive those moments.

“Are you okay?” Chanyeol asked, carefully stepping inside.

“Perfect,” you mumbled, shutting the door when both of the fully entered the room. You watched as they sat on the couch, each holding a bag in their hand as they stared at you. You sighed, leaning against the door and folding your arms across your chest. “I love you guys, but why are you here?”

“Because I made breakfast for you,” Kyungsoo said, placing his bag on the coffee table. “I didn’t feel right making breakfast for everyone else and not you, so I decided to bring yours here. If you’ve had breakfast already, you can just save it for later,” he explained, a small, clearly disingenuous smile forming on his face. You could tell that he was only smiling to make it seem like he didn’t pity you, but you knew him well enough to know that’s what he truly felt.

You looked to Chanyeol to hear his explanation, but he just sighed and carded his fingers through his hair. “I’m not going to make up a reason. I’m here because I’m worried about you, and I wanted to see how you were doing.”

You knew that was the plan from the moment you got his message, but you just needed confirmation. But you didn’t care; you expected it to happen, so you were fully prepared for it. Eventually, you’d be able to muster up some happiness, and you hoped that it would be enough to treat you as they normally would, which also meant them visiting less frequently and not being reminded that Baekhyun had ever existed.

You sat down next to Chanyeol, looking up at the sealing before shoving your hands in your pocket. “How is everyone?” you asked, your voice a bit croaky.

“Well… as fine as we could have been,” Chanyeol said with a shrug. “Until, you know, when Mina came down crying and told us everything. He broke up with her, and she’s taking it pretty hard.”

You had no idea what to think. You thought you’d be relieved when you heard that they had broken up. You thought that it would have led to some sort of romantic ending. Unfortunately, all you could muster up was a bitter laugh as you rubbed your swollen eyes.

“He felt guilty,” you mumbled as he shook his head. “He should’ve stayed with her; clearly she meant a lot to him if he wanted to stay with her despite having known and allegedly loved me for years. He’s only doing it now because I won’t talk to him anymore.”

Hearing yourself say those words was like shoving a knife through your chest. Even if it wasn’t true, it felt like it. You had already accepted that he simply preferred her over you since the beginning, but that didn’t hurt any less. You weren’t her, which meant you could never be top priority until you removed yourself from the situation completely.

“We don’t blame you for feeling this way,” Kyungsoo spoke up, reaching over to hold your hand. “None of us know what’s going through his head, but what we do know is that you deserve to be happy. And we’re all willing to help you achieve that if you want us to.”

You didn’t know you were crying until a stray tear landed on your lips. You took a deep breath as you wiped you face, avoiding eye contact with both of them. “You gave me that speech last night,” you laughed, earning a chuckle for them. “But I do appreciate it, nonetheless. By the way, please don’t tell him how much of a mess I am.”

They both nodded, giving you sympathetic looks again.

A few hours later, they had left, and they managed to make you feel a bit better. Of course, after you were alone again, your mood began to drop. They had done such a good job of distracting you that you didn’t realize that the second they were gone, your mind would instantly go back to Baekhyun.

Then in a few seconds, he appeared in front of you again. However, this time you knew he wasn’t real. It wasn’t incredibly obvious, but you just knew it somehow. You reached out to hold his hand, feeling nothing but coldness overtaking your body. You didn’t flinch or anything that might have scared him away; you wanted nothing more for him to stay, even if he was a figment of your imagination.

You coaxed him to sit down next to you, immediately sliding on to his lap and wrapping your arms around him. Your tears immediately fell once you breathed him in, both of you staring into each other’s eyes. His body didn’t feel so cold anymore. It was replaced with his natural warmth as he placed his hand on the back of your head, pulling you towards him slowly.

Then he gave you a soft kiss. That was when your confusion began. It had felt so real; the warmth, the pressure, each and every crease that lied on his puckered lips. You couldn’t help melt into it as if he were real.

But as soon as you did, he was gone on. And then in instant your body became heated, just before you let out a frustrated scream as you punched the area that he previously inhabited.

You just wanted him back. Even if being with him would hurt you, you had missed him too much to let him go. You just wanted hold him and kiss him as if the whole thing never happened.

You grabbed your phone and went to his number to unblock him. Within a second, you saw a message come through, and of course it was him.

**Baekhyun [19:55]:**

_I’m so sorry. I miss you._

You hadn’t responded to the message. You wanted to, but every time your fingers moved, they would always be too unstable to type a coherent sentence. But then another message came in that made your heart go into overdrive.

**Baekhyun [19:56]:**

_I’m on my way_.

You felt relief. You also felt sadness, but most of all, you felt scared. Scared that the whole thing was a dream, and that you’d never see him again.

It hadn’t occurred to you how little time it took for you to finally crack until you heard the knock on your door about twenty minutes later. You sighed and opened the door, but your heart broke when you saw him trying to wipe away his tears. He looked almost as distraught as you were.

Then without a word, he pulled you into him, resting his head on top of yours. His breathing was short and choppy, and you assumed yours was too, but you couldn’t really feel your own body. All you could feel was him. You felt his tears, you felt his arms tightly around you, and then you felt the warmth that you’d been longing to feel since the whole thing happened. His _actual_ warmth.

“I love you,” he whispered as he held you tighter. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“I love you too,” you sighed, closing your eyes. At that moment, you felt a pang in your chest, then you were sobbing. His hold on you got tighter, and you could hear him whispering something else, though you couldn’t make it out. You didn’t want to; you just wanted to be in his arms. You needed time to calm down before you could carry on a conversation.

“Let’s sit down,” he said as shut the door. “I’m sure you want an explanation, and a more meaningful apology.”

You nodded and walked to the couch, but he instead went towards you room. You raised an eyebrow, but followed him after a while.

Whenever he had an issue and he needed to vent, you would both lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling as he talked endlessly, letting everything off his chest. He never expected you to give advice or anything; he’d just show up when he had the time, talk, then try to coax you into venting to him. Most of the times, you never would, because most of your frustrations stemmed from the fact that you could never have him.

He lied on the bed, and you followed suit. There was nothing but silence, until he reached over to hold your hand and sighed. “I went in there with full intentions of breaking up with her. We went up to the room, but then she was basically telling me that she was falling in love with me,” he explained, rubbing his thumb against the back of your hand. “And then she told me that she felt insecure about us being together so much. I felt guilty; I couldn’t bring myself to break up with her.”

You nodded, but it didn’t really ease your pain. For some reason, you felt something was off, but you couldn’t figure out what it was. You sighed, looking over to him. “Were you also falling in love with her?”

He slowly nodded, sighing as he squeezed your hand slightly. “She’s an amazing girl, but I love you. I can live without her; I couldn’t even deal with the thought of losing you for good.”

Then it hit you. The whole thing was just about the fact that you were there longer. He was more comfortable with you, and that’s why he was fooling himself into thinking you were the better choice.

Having the conversation only made your original goal clearer. You both needed space, and it wasn’t just for you. You needed to know if you’d still love each other and want to be together after having no contact for a long period of time. If you had decided to give him a chance in your current state, there was no doubt that you wouldn’t believe in his love. You’d constantly be worried that he still thought about Mina, especially since they had just broken up.

You removed your hand from his, then sat up, turning away from him and letting your legs hang off to the side of the bed. “We can’t be together. Not right now, at least.”

“Please don’t do this,” he said, his voice breaking between words.

You were really tempted to just give in, but you knew it wouldn’t help any of you. Even as he placed his forehead on your shoulder while begging you to stay, you kept your stance. You really loved him with everything you had. You had given years to him, sacrificed so much for him, and you didn’t regret any of it. But you both had to face the fact that you simply weren’t meant to be together at that specific time.

“We need space from each other, okay? We need to be sure that we’re not just wasting our time, and that we’re certain about our feelings,” you barely got out. By that point, your voice was wobbly, so it was hard to make your words.

“I’m sure of my feelings towards you, and I have been for a long time. We can get past this, I promise. I won’t ever do anything like this again. I need you.” He moved to crouch down in front of you, placing his hand on yours as he looked you in the eyes. “I really do love you. I love how excited you get about the littlest things when you think you’re alone. I love enthusiastic you are when you talk about something you’re passionate about. You’re beautiful, inside and out, and I wish I could properly show you exactly how much you mean to me.”

You sighed as you shook your head. You would have loved to hear those words yesterday, but this was a completely different situation. One where you weren’t sure if Baekhyun was telling the truth about his feelings. And as much as you wanted to believe him, your gut was telling you to wait a while. Your gut was telling you that his feelings could have changed once you weren’t around anymore. Your heart, however, was telling you that he really meant it, and that you were meant to be with him.

You took a deep breath as you held his hand, the words you needed to say struggling to come out as if they were physically caught in your throat. After a few seconds of stumbling over words and starting over, you were finally able to form a coherent sentence. “You started falling in love with her within a few weeks. It took you a year to fall in love with me. Imagine how much more you would’ve loved her if you had stayed with her; it would’ve been much more than what you could ever have for me,” you explained, taking a deep breath.

He didn’t say a word to you. All he did was look down, rubbing the back of your hand as his tears silently fell to the ground. Soon enough, you ended up hugging each other and crying.

Eventually you both fell asleep, and he was still there by morning, staring up at the ceiling and holding your hand.

His eyes were red and puffy, and he was still sniffling a bit as he squeezed your hand and turned to look at you. He placed his lips on your forehead and let it linger. You still felt the same butterflies as you used to.

He sighed, rolling out of the bed and grabbing everything he came with. You followed him to the door, but held him back when he placed his hand on the doorknob.

You bit your lip as you looked at him. You had so many things to say to him, but you didn’t know how to vocalize any of it. All you could do was hug him. You held on to him like you never wanted him to slip away, but you knew had to let him go.

His arms wrapped you the same way. You both stood there embracing each other for about two minutes until he decided to speak for the first time for the day. “I love you, okay?”

You took a deep breath and nodded. “I love you too,” you replied. “You’re not even gone and I already miss you,” you sobbed. It was actually true. You could have felt already the overwhelming sadness and emptiness you’d feel the second that he was on the other side of the door.

“Me too,” he sighed before pulling away from the hug, but moving to hold your hands afterwards. “You deserve happiness. Don’t let anything or anyone take that away from you. And if you need my help, you can always call me.”

“I will,” you nodded.

Then you were both silent again. Neither of you wanted to let go of each other, but you had to go your separate ways eventually. Eventually, you were the one to let go.

He gave you a kiss on the cheek before he left, and then you were alone.

And suddenly, the room got colder. Losing Baekhyun meant that you lost the warmth that came along with him. But now began your journey on becoming your own personal sun.


	6. Chapter 6

You’d be lying if you said you were fine after he left. Even though you knew what you had to do, it hurt tremendously to let him go after he’d been in your life for such a long time. You didn’t know who you were without him. You felt like you weren’t human.

For the first few months, you’d felt lost and scared. Every so often, you’d find yourself being mercilessly tempted to call him, just to hear his voice so you could feel something familiar. Each time, something intangible held you back from doing it. Whether it was a pang in your chest, a lump in your throat, or a voice in the back of your head, it had always been enough to stop you.

You always knew from the beginning that you’d miss him, but you never anticipated that it’d be so rough. You tried to carry on with life as best as you could, but you couldn’t deny that you had isolated yourself for a long time.

You’d see the boys on campus sometimes, and you would talk to them, but every time they invited you somewhere, you’d always say no. Not only were you afraid that Baekhyun would also be there, but you were also afraid of them mentioning him or asking you questions about how you were doing. Because truthfully, you were a mess.

And that rule went for everyone else too. Sometimes, you’d go out with other people, but that was a rare occurrence. With the boys, seeing as they were the closest people to him, your answer was always no, without even a second thought.

You’d never forget the time you saw him at a party one time. You weren’t sure if he had seen you, but the moment you laid eyes on him, you were immediately out of breath. You’d felt like someone had punched you in the gut, and your vision became blurry. As soon as you felt the strength to leave, you did. You had no idea how you would have managed having a conversation with him.

But, eventually, time did its job. You weren’t necessarily healed, but you were undeniably in a much better place. Sure, you still missed him as much as you had in the beginning, and you feelings for him hadn’t drifted, but you were also fine with being without him. You had been able to find happiness in things other than him, which was what your original goal was in the first place.

However, you weren’t sure if you were ready to talk to him yet. The feelings were there, but that was only on your part. It had been such a long time that you were afraid that his feelings for you had drifted. You knew life went on without him, clearly, but you still feared rejection just like you had before.

You’d have no way of knowing, but that’s what was scary. For all you knew, he could’ve been a completely different person. He could’ve changed for the worse, or he could’ve realized that there were other people out there who were much better than you.

You shook your head, then took a deep breath. Although being rejected was rough, you couldn’t live in fear. You had promised him and yourself that if things seem like they could work, then you’d try again. You couldn’t live in fear and possibly miss out on something amazing once again.

You picked up your phone and dialed the number. You were surprised that you still knew it out of your head, but in a way, you felt like it symbolized that there never really was a disconnect. Sure, you were apart, but your heart remained where it had always been; with him.

It had rung a few too many times, so you figured that he’d seen your name and decided to ignore you. Just as you were about to end the call and cut your losses, you heard a voice on the other end. It wasn’t him, but it was familiar.

“Kyungsoo?”

“I-it’s you,” he stuttered, his voice going softer than before. You heard a bit of rustling on the other end before he spoke again. “I really can’t believe it’s you. Is it really you?” he asked excitedly. Although you couldn’t see him, you could tell that he had a smile on his face.

“Did he delete my number?” you asked after you realized that he probably didn’t know it was you because your name didn’t show up. Your tone didn’t change, though. You had kind of expected it, so it didn’t come as a surprise.

“Yes, we made him do it. We didn’t want him to mess up things further by talking to you too soon, so we told him to delete your number,” he explained. “But that clearly wouldn’t be an issue now.”

“Where is he?” you asked. “I love talking to you, trust me, but I really want to talk to him.”

You heard him sigh, then say something under his breath that you couldn’t quite make out, but you didn’t bother to ask what he said. “He left his phone here. He has a class right now, so he won’t be back in maybe two hours. But, we’re supposed to be going to an amusement park later if you want to see him.”

There was a moment of silence. You hadn’t planned to see him so soon, but you weren’t sure if you were willing to pass up on the opportunity. You took a deep breath and bit your lip as you glanced over the photo album that you hadn’t opened in a few months. You couldn’t wait to have even more memories with him and the boys. You couldn’t wait to have even more things to look back on when you were bored or just needed something to cheer you up. “I’ll be there,” you decided.

“Good. I’m happy you’re coming and all, but please make sure you’re absolutely ready. I don’t want to have my hopes up and then you have to leave again.” He sounded a bit worried and sad, and it kind of broke your heart.

You’d never thought the boys would be too affected by it. Of course, based on how they reacted when you left, you knew they were sad. But, you also didn’t think they’d miss you after a while. After all, they’d known Baekhyun longer than they’d known you. They cared about you and everything, and they considered you a close friend, but you never really knew if they’d be too bothered if you had left.

Clearly, they had cared, and it caught you off guard and you felt guilty for basically cutting them off even though they hadn’t done anything wrong. This time around, you knew things would be different. Even if things didn’t go the way that you wanted it to, you weren’t going to leave them again. Things would get awkward for sure, but you’d learn to live with it eventually, just like you’d learned to live without Baekhyun.

“I’m more than ready. Don’t worry, Kyungsoo.”

But when it was time for you to leave, your doubts began to resurface. All you could think about was him rejecting you in various ways. Some harsh, and some gentle. Each time the thought arose, you felt your eyes welling up, and you just wanted to cancel and avoid the whole thing.

Then there was a knock on the door, and you knew there was no turning back.

Kyungsoo stood in front of you with a smile on his face before pulling you into a bone crushing hug. You didn’t complain or protest, since you were holding him just as tightly. You had stood there for what felt like hours, just hugging each other with wide grins on your faces. It was enough for your doubts to temporarily go away.

When you finally pulled away, you noticed he’d looked different. You had seen him not too long ago, but you never really paid attention to how he looked; just that he was Kyungsoo. He had looked a lot more mature compared to how he looked before. For one, he had a buzz cut, and you had no idea how you’d never noticed the glaringly obvious difference. His face also looked stronger.

You reached up to touch his hair, but he swatted your hand away before you could get to touch it. “I’ve had enough of that,” he joked, before grabbing your hand and placing it on his head. “This is the only time I’m letting you do this.”

After a while of rubbing his head, you dropped your hand to your side, still smiling at him. “I missed you,” you mumbled. “We’re friends again, right?”

“We never stopped being friends, unless I’m mistaken,” he said with a shrug. “Are you ready?”

At first, you thought he meant to leave, but when you nodded and he still hadn’t moved, you realized that he had meant if you were ready to see Baekhyun. “I don’t know,” you sighed, looking down at your feet. “Has he… you know, moved on?”

You looked up at him, but his eyes shifted, which already gave you the answer. “He’ll have to answer that for himself. He hasn’t introduced anyone to us, but… you just never know,” he explained, although you could tell he was withholding information. “But, if it means anything, I don’t think he’s with anyone right now.”

“It doesn’t matter. Whatever happens, it just means it was meant to happen,” you said, taking a deep breath. “Let’s just go.

During the car ride, he basically brought you up to speed with what was going on with him and the rest of the boys. Sehun and Minseok were in relationships, Chanyeol had recently ended his but was taking it well, Jongin had failed a class and hadn’t been doing much but studying, and Junmyeon and Jongdae decided that they’d become farmers for a living for a brief time, but gave up when they realized that they kept forgetting to water their plants. Kyungsoo mentioned something about auditioning for a play, but he didn’t speak too much on that.

As for Baekhyun, he didn’t bring him up at all. You’d tried to ask about him, but he’d always mumble something, then change topics quickly. You were beginning to get worried that something was wrong, but you couldn’t tell what the nature of the issue was.

When you’d gotten to the amusement park, Kyungsoo immediately went to look for the boys. You were a little late, so you figured they’d all be there. He had mumbled something about knowing where they were, so as you followed him to their location, you tried to prepare yourself even further to come face to face with Baekhyun.

But when you got there, he wasn’t there. Everyone else was, except him. You were disappointed, but you didn’t have any time to react to it, since Chanyeol immediately scooped you up and started twirling you around.

After he set you down, you’d felt a bit dizzy, so you leaned against Kyungsoo. “Why are we even here when Chanyeol can just do that,” you joked, earning a laugh from all of them.

You hugged all of them one by one, then waited along with them for Baekhyun to show up. They were asking you questions, and you were answering them, but your mind was elsewhere. You had definitely missed them all, more than anything, but you couldn’t help but wonder where he was, why he wasn’t there, and if he was alright.

“He said he can’t make it,” Jongin said after looking up from his phone. “He has a test tomorrow.”

You had felt a lump in your throat when you heard the news, because you had a gut feeling that he was lying. It wasn’t uncommon for him to miss out because of a test. However, there was a nagging thought in the forefront of your mind telling you that there was no test, or at least that he didn’t actually plan on studying for it.

Maybe it was that fact that he should have known a long time ago that he couldn’t make it because of the test.

“I’m calling him,” Kyungsoo mumbled, placing his hand on your shoulder. “You guys can go along.”

The rest of them left, except you. You knew he wanted you to stay with the way he kept his hand firmly on your shoulder. “Maybe this was a mistake,” you said, looking up at him. “Did he know that I was coming?”

“He’s not supposed to. I made sure to tell the rest of them not to tell him. I don’t know if one of them told, but I do know that he doesn’t have a test tomorrow. He has one class tomorrow, which got cancelled,” explained as he dialed his number.

You moved to sit at a nearby bench while he stood up. You couldn’t hear him over the noise of the crowd, but you saw him pacing back and forth with his hand on his forehead. At one point you saw him physically restraining words, then he hung up the phone, making his way towards you.

As he sat down, he sighed, rubbing his neck. “Chanyeol told him. He said he panicked, but he’s on his way now,” he explained. “I just want this night to be fun for you, alright?”

You nodded, but you got the feeling that Baekhyun didn’t want to see you again, and that you were right about his feelings eventually fading. Yours were still very much there, but you couldn’t do anything else but move on if that was the case. “Let’s just go meet up with the rest of them.”

About a half an hour later, your mood had improved. You hadn’t been on any rides yet, but you were just embracing the feeling of being around your friends again. You could’ve had fun with them no matter what situation you were in.

Then as you walked, you saw him walking towards the group. He didn’t look too different. Like Kyungsoo, his face had matured, but his hair was mostly the same. The only change was his new blonde hair color, which you didn’t mind at all.

He avoided eye contact with you, and you noticed that immediately. He greeted the rest of the boys naturally, but when he came to you, all he did was give you an awkward wave, then went back to talk to the rest of the boys.

Your eyes remained on him, trying to study him. Trying to see what else had changed about him. He was a bit more muscular, compared to before. His eyes also looked a bit lifeless. It wasn’t as bad as it had been when you had decided to take some space, but you could tell there was something different about his entire aura. It wasn’t as bright as you had grown accustomed to. He didn’t seem to lighten up everyone’s mood when he entered any area anymore.

“Can we get on the rides now?” Minseok whined. “I’ve been waiting to go on that huge rollercoaster since we got here.”

“Do you guys not know how to enjoy amusement park? You’re supposed to go on the rides in order until you get to the main event,” Jongdae explained before he looked around. “On second thought, I don’t think we have enough time. There’s _a lot_ of rides.”

Junmyeon shook his head, walking forward. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to ride it right now.”

Without another word, the rest of the boys followed, though you stuck to the back. You weren’t too fond of crazy rollercoasters, and they all knew that. Just looking at it made your stomach curl.

You’d just remembered that Baekhyun also didn’t like rollercoasters, yet he was walking much faster than the rest of them. You figured it was just something that had changed about him, and you were curious to know what else had changed.

But then when you had finally gotten to the rollercoaster, you realized that his fear hadn’t actually gone away, and that he was probably trying to avoid you. As the boys went into the line, you watched as Baekhyun fell to the back with you. They’d given you and Baekhyun their stuff to hold, and you both silently made your way to a bench. You sat on opposite ends, though you had never taken your eyes off of him.

You took a deep breath, deciding that you’d be the one to break the silence. “So… How’ve you been?”

He looked at you, then shrugged. “Nothing worth mentioning,” he said, staring straight ahead.

“Why are you acting like we’re strangers?” you asked, scooting closer to him, and you caught a whiff of his scent. At least that hadn’t a changed about him.

“I don’t know what to say,” he sighed, looking at the ground. “It’s been a year and half. I don’t really…” he trailed off, then sighed.

He hadn’t finished his thought, but you completely understood. He didn’t know if he knew you anymore, and you had felt the same. You nodded, placing your hand on his shoulder. “I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much,” you admitted. “I can live without you; I know that now. I just don’t want to.”

He still remained silent. He still wasn’t looking at you. You felt a lump form in your throat as you scooted away from him, assuming your previous position at the other side of the bench.

He didn’t say that he wasn’t in love with you anymore or anything to outright reject you, but his actions were enough to tell you all that you needed to know.

But then you felt his leg brush against you, along with his head on your shoulder. “I learned the same thing,” he said, nodding as he spoke. “I want to be honest with you, though; I wasn’t single the whole time.”

“I figured that,” you sighed. “How long have you been single?”

“About a year. The relationship didn’t last very long,” he admitted. “I ended it, because I realized that I was making the same mistake. I wanted to get over you, and that was the only way I knew how.” He bit his lip then sighed. “I’ve missed you too. I thought I’d die for a while.”

You nodded as he spoke. Although his voice wasn’t clear through the noise of the crowd, you still felt his words hitting you as if you were alone. You didn’t want to be apart anymore. You knew you were ready to be with him, and from the way he was acting, you were sure he was ready too.

“I love you,” you said, lifting his head off of your shoulder to look into his eyes. You felt safe. Suddenly, his aura beamed once again, and yours beamed as well, coming together into one.

“I love you too. I never stopped.”

And as soon as the words left his mouth, you placed a quick peck on his lips. The small action was enough to make your heart swell, mostly because you had been waiting a year and a half to feel his lips on yours again. They had felt much better than you remembered, and it left you buzzing.

“Can I call you my girlfriend now?” he asked as he ran his fingers through your hair.

“Of course, only if I can call you my boyfriend.”

You had come such a long way. From feeling rejected by him, forming an unhealthy codependence, to finally being in a good enough headspace to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with the man you’d had always loved. And you couldn’t have been happier.

You both sat there, staring at each other, before being interrupted by the rest of the boys. “Goes to show that a lot can happen if five minutes,” Jongdae said as he grabbed his stuff. “If we were gone any longer, you guys probably would’ve ditched us.”

You shook you head as you handed the boys their stuff, then you laid your head on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “No, we’d probably be having sex,” you joked, laughing before you could even get the words out properly.

“Wait, are you guys together officially now?” Minseok asked.

You weren’t bothered by the question, since you understood how confusing the whole situation was. You and Baekhyun both nodded, a look of relief clear on all of their faces.

“Congratulations, I’m happy for you guys, but I feel like I’m gonna fucking puke,” Chanyeol said, causing the rest of the boys to move away from him, except Kyungsoo, who just rubbed his back.

Things were back to normal, except this time, you were with Baekhyun. Even though you had to go through the pain, you were happy that it led to what you could quite possibly describe as the best moment in your life. 

A few months down the road, you’d been staying at Baekhyun’s apartment a lot more than your own. You didn’t mind; you enjoyed waking up to him, making food with him, having fun together, and then falling asleep as he sang to you.

You’d woken up to see him staring up at the ceiling as he ran his fingers through your hair. You kissed his chest to alert him, and he looked at you, smiling before looking back up. “Good morning babe.”

He’d been calling you pet names since the day you officially began dating, and your stomach never failed to do backflips every time he’d refer to you as something cute. You didn’t think you’d ever get used to it; the way his voice got soft, and the way his cheeks looked when he smiled as he said it made it hard for you to not feel something whenever he said it.

“What are you thinking about?” you asked as you snuggled closer to him.

“You’d say you’re here pretty much all the time, right?”

You nodded. You’d only been in your apartment at least once a week. You had so much fun being with him that it made leaving his apartment hard. Sometimes, texting or phone calls wasn’t enough. You loved feeling his hand sneak up on you when you least expected it, watching him laugh at his own cheesy jokes, and kissing you at random. There was nothing that could ever top that feeling.

“Do you want to move in? You know, officially?” He looked at you, with a worried expression.

You never thought he’d ask so soon, but you were ecstatic. You had thought about bringing it up yourself, but you had feared that he’d think that the relationship was too fresh for them to live together. Hearing him ask caused your heart to pound, but in a good way. “Of _course_ I do!” you squealed before smashing your lips against his.

And as you felt has hand pulling you closer to him, you knew what being at home truly felt like.

It was a place that you felt like you belonged. A place that you felt secured and love. Home was Byun Baekhyun.


End file.
